Acceptance

You have your way with words. You very good at it. You’re so good, you can make any man fell for you.

Never face to face though. You need time, to come up with the glistening sentence anyone want to hear, you crafted uniquely to each and every single one of them. That’s explain the texts, and only texts.

I was one of them. I kept trying to tell myself, it is not real, but every time I’m close to that epiphany, you pulled me back in. You pulled me back to that ratchet lies of yours.

I was in deep. Maybe the deepest anyone has ever got in to. I think maybe some men know that there’s a trap at the end of you, and they bolted out. Not me. I fell right into it. Open myself up and got chewed inside and out. It was horrendous.

Which brings me to my second point, the armies of men coming at you. You told me stories how you hated the men that approach you, how revolted you are towards them. What’s weird is that, you didn’t stop them. Instead, you accept them with open arms. It baffled me every time. But I was in your world of lies. I think to myself that you’re just a nice person, and never have the heart to ghost people, even when you didn’t like them. How wrong could I be.

You like it, don’t you? The attentions, the gifts on your table, the never-ending texts from random strangers. You don’t just like it, you crave for it. It fuels you. You wanted more. It was never enough and one guy ready to fulfill that crazy needs of yours. One guy was ready to leave everything behind and give you more. Little that he knows, he already has everything he ever wanted.

The dumbest guy that ever walks this earthly plane. You were everything that he thought he ever wanted because you made yourself so. How can he love someone just the way she is when she herself doesn’t know what she truly is?

The words that came out of your mouth, thrown at him, is the same words that you threw around to the other men, just with a different phrasing. The ingredients are the same, lies. More and more lies. Maybe he is just messed up as you are, to believe all the lies you’ve been serving to him. The lies made him happy, the lies made him feel loved. A true love.

I regret it. All the time, love, trust given is all wasted. To the wrong person. I already have someone who love me for who I am, who already accepted me as her one and only love, and I failed her. I deserve what’s coming, as I am the fool who trust a beautiful lie rather than live the ugly truth.

Life of a Poltroon

“You’re a coward!”

She never said anything harsh to me. That was the first one she ever said. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt because it’s true. I am a coward. I spend all my life running.

I think I was just 8 or 9 years old that time. I suddenly feel the urge to annoy my sister, so while she was lying down, I pulled down the pillow under her head, causing her head to smack down on the concrete floor. She burst out crying. Loudest she ever cried before. I was scared. It was supposed to be a harmless prank. I panicked. I supposed to own it. Go to my mom and just admit I did it, it was wrong and accept my punishment. But I didn’t. I am a coward. I ran and hid under the dinner table. For the whole day. Everyone went out looking. But I am coward. I just stay there hoping this will all blew away.

I was 19 years old. Going to an all-boys school, I never had a any luck with a girl, not until uni. It was during my diploma, I met the perfect girl, tall, pretty, and have the most beautiful smile. We dated. I was very happy. But I’m not sure if she was. Throughout the relationship, I always doubted myself, that I am not good enough for her. But I never told her that. I faked my way throughout the relationship, because I am scared. I’m scared if I told her, I lost her. True enough, she left me. She said she can’t see any future with me, that I am never myself around her. She’s tired of it, she’s tired of everything, and she want out. As the coward I always am, I concur. She left. It broke me.

In 2015, I started working at one of the most prestigious company that anyone could ever work at. Along with the job, I met a group of very great group of friends. But good things don’t mean to last. Company had a mass reorganization and my good friends were all transfer out. I was alone. There’s a void inside of me. I’m scared, again. I should open myself more, meet new friends, and be close to at least one, to make working there bearable again. I didn’t. I run away. I quit working at a company everyone can only dream of working and regretted it every single day.

Fast forward to present day. Whenever you’re having a relationship problem, the best person you should talk to is the person you’re having the relationship with, not with another person, another gender at that. You will fall into a trap that wasn’t supposed to be there if you just man up and talk to your partner. It happened to me. It happened because you guessed it, I’m scared. I’m supposed to talk to my wife about whatever been bothering me. But instead, I talk to another person, a girl. I’m scared that if I talk to my wife, she couldn’t take it, she wouldn’t understand, she’ll get mad. Guess what happen now? She can’t take it, she didn’t understand, and she is mad as hell. I love another person, the person I shared my problem with. A mistake that could’ve been avoided if I just be brave.

Now, I’m living with someone who I am not sure love me, and the person I thought I love I must leave behind, as the terms said. I didn’t need to quit work. I can just talk to my wife, convince her I’m a change man. I won’t repeat my mistake, love her and only her. But I didn’t do that. I use her as an excuse. The real reason I quit is simple, because of me as usual, I want to run away. I want to run away so that maybe I can move on from all this. I don’t want to see her anymore. The sight of her make me sick, make me remember the “fake love” we thought we shared together. We did something we shouldn’t, and I don’t need the daily reminder that I did that once before. I hope I can move on, it’s hard. To add to that, my wife is unsettled. Something bothering her and I’m scared to ask her what’s wrong.

That’s just me, a coward.

What could go wrong

We are from different race. She doesn’t know my culture, and I don’t know hers. She doesn’t know how to eat using her hand, I’m sure as hell hated using chopsticks. I don’t think I can get along with her family. Hell, I can’t even get along with my family. What will I do in family gathering? Come to think of it, can her family accept me? I don’t even know if my family will accept her. I don’t think my family believe I can guide a girl of different race to our culture, the culture I never like at the first place. My family want me to marry a nice Malay girl, the one that can guide me through what being Malay really is. That’s what make them happy, and I oblige.

She love going out, I love staying in. I hate meeting other people. I think I’m going to hate her friends too. She always went out with her friends, partying, doing god knows what. I hate parties. I hate crowd. I just want to Netflix and chill, by myself. I’m going to bore her to death. She doesn’t want to live the life I live. But that’s just the way I am. The way I always knew. 

She’s hardworking, I’m lazy like a sloth. She can’t seem to sit still, she always doing something, be it big or small, she’s doing it. I love doing nothing. I love the quiet, the peace in the void of nothingness. Not the kind of guy she had in mind to ever end up with.

She live a healthy lifestyle. I don’t, at all. YOLO, as the kids says. I’m not here for a long time, I’m here for a good time. She eats brown rice with steam chicken. Just the thought of it made me lose my appetite. Put anything in my food, as long as it tastes good. I don’t care. But she does. It’s her thing. My thing is oily food, cigarettes and couch surfing. She doesn’t do any of that.

Miscommunication. She speaks good English. My English as good as a preschooler. I don’t think she will understand what I’m trying to say, that will lead to a lot of fights later. I hate fighting. I rather avoid it at all cost, and for that, I rather to keep it to myself. Communication is the key of any relationship and if I can’t get that sorted out, might as well not to get in one anytime soon.

Friends. We have truly two different sets of friends. I mentioned I might hate her friends, this is the reason why. I don’t think she can get along with my friends, and vice versa. My friends are your typical Malay dudes who talk nothing else other than girls, sports and politics. Her friends are the most hype, modern, outgoing people I’ve ever met. We will have nothing to talk about. We going to have a really hard time blending in with one another, me and her. She loves her friend to bits, and I don’t want to put her through that. My poker face is not that good. She’ll know, and she will be heartbroken.

That said, if chance presence itself, will I still do it? Will I still get into a serious relationship with her? You bet your socks I will.  I’m willing to go through all of that, as long as I go through it with her, and only her. She will make it all worthwhile, because she’s the best there is and I love her. For better or worse.

The Life Someone Else's

Fake. A word that I need to get use to of late. The word got thrown around me so much that I can no longer hate it, I embrace it. It is a strong word, not to just me, but to everyone I think, to get accused of being something that they’re not. We all hate it, although we did it without realizing it. So, I dig down and for me to learn to accept it, I try and see everything that I did, to realize it, to not hate it.

They were right. I did fake it. I fake everything. I hate it at first. To end the day knowing that you were something you are not, trying to be someone else, it’s a burden. It’s heavy. I can’t stop thinking what kind of person I am and what I’m going to become. Is it something good? Or is it something evil, only time will tell. I don’t know. For now, someone’s quote I held close in my heart, “Fake it until you make it”. Whether I’m going to make it, I’m unsure, but I think that person made it and that’s why I’m going to continue to fake it.

Why did I do it? Is it because I want to be someone I’m not? Is it because I want to make someone to love me? Is it because I want someone to hate me? Is it because I want to move on? Is it because all of the above, it’s just something I always am, and faking my way in or out is the only way I know how. Whatever it is, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what everyone wanted, and I happily deliver so that I can go on with my day in this abhorrent world.

“Just be your yourself”, someone once said to me. I did, and I end up hurting everyone. I should know better, I grew up as a disappointment because I tried to be myself back then. I should know that being myself is never the right thing to do and that side of me should never surface. Yes, I was happy but at what cost, pain and suffering to everyone around me.

A lot of grief that day, myself included. I regret it so much. I almost lost everything. If I really think of it, I don’t deserve to have it at the first place, a life build on lies. But I won’t stop. I’m in too deep to go back now, so the lies live on.

I envy people who is just themselves. I don’t know how they do it, but god damn they are happier than I ever would be. I’m not happy now. I’m not okay. But I’ll will fake it nonetheless. I will do it because I promise myself, not to hurt anyone who love me. Although they said they love me for who I am, who I am is never the person I am in their presence. It’s a shadow I cast to cover them from the burning light of my true self.

To whoever reading this, if you know me, know that I may not be the person that you always thought I am. I’m sorry. The part of me that I’m happy with is disgusting, repugnant to see. I choose to keep it in and never comes out. Thank you for reading. May the life you chose to live is the live you always wanted for yourself.

The True Love Theory

A match made in heaven. Soulmates. Love at first sight. Idioms branches throughout the world from these notions that for every people, there’s another person that is perfect, suited to them and only them, and they will live happily ever after until their inevitable death. Everyone looks for this kind of love. Some believe it with all their heart, only to end up alone, after failing to find “the one”.

The theory

They do not exist. That special someone, your missing puzzle piece, the one that complete you, does not exists then, now or in any foreseeable future. Imagine this, how likely it is for someone to grow up like you do, experienced the same exact experience as you, like and dislike the same things as you do. One in a trillion chance I say. Everyone is different. Even as little as, once in their life they killed an ant, everyone is different in their own way, no one is the same, no one is ever made for you and specifically you.

Some may search for this “soulmate” is only because they are scared. They are scared they're as dry as dust, and they will bore their partner if they can’t relate to anything with each other. They are scared they are alone, whenever they're together. If you ever think this way, you are right. You are dull. To add to that, your partner is already bored with you and god knows what are the reason that made them stay.

The aftermath

The idea of a perfect partner exists to separate us from the animals. Animals don’t care about the “personality” of their partner. The only reason they look for another sexes is only to mate, survivability of their species. They don’t understand the idea of “true love”. We perceive ourselves better than them, top of the food chain.

We’re not. You never like someone for their “personality”. Just like the animals, you went to approach the opposite gender is purely based on physical appearance. Whether it be the looks, voice, height, etc., personality was never the first.

Conclusion

True love does not exist, at least not yet. Once you found that one who matches your physical preferences, you dig through to see if there’s more to this person than meets the eye. If there is, you will learn to love them, but not by a whole lot because that kind of relationship, the one that you rushed, is only going to end up tragic for both. After you’re sure they’re the one you’ve been looking for all this time, you will love that person wholeheartedly. You nurture that love until it blossoms into something beautiful, something pure, something true.

Your soulmate is not born, your soulmate is created, by you. You’ll find someone that even at your worst, they’ll stay. They’ll stay because at that point of your relationship, they’re still think you’re the best. They can only see the good in you, regardless the bad that you done. That’s the objective of the love that you embedded throughout your relationship. To let your partner, see the real you, that side of you that no one ever know, the side of you that you kept away, the side of you that impossible to be attracted to at first sight, and they appreciate all of that, appreciated enough to make them stay. Forever and a day.

My love story

“Sayang, wake up”. Sun was shining through my room’s glass stain window. Through the shadow of that light, my wife stood, smiling with the most beautiful smile anyone has ever see. 

“I’m off to work”. She put out her hand, pulling mine, knowing I’m still drowsy from last night sleep. Blessing. The love of my life is asking for my blessing to get her day started. Not that she need it, she’s the strongest woman I know, she’ll get through anything and yet, she asked for my humble blessing, from her beloved husband.

She shook and kiss my hand. A peck of kiss to my cheek as well. 

I love her so much. This is how I want to start my day, every single day. The person I love the most, next to me, with a kiss that shows how much she love me too, love and nothing else from both end. 

I get ready for work.

As I arrived at work, she’s the first person I want to know that I arrived, that I was safe and sound. I don’t want her to worry, that’s the last thing I want for her. 

“I’m at the office”, I said. She wish me well and I get on with my work, counting every seconds until the end of day to meet her again. I miss her. Her picture on my phone wallpaper will get me through the day. I smile every time I look at it. All my problems fade away with the look of her face, smiling back at me. 

Office hours now ended. I rush back home, I rush back to my love, my one and only true love. She will take all my stress and problems away, I hope I does the same for her as well. 

We’re having our dinner. While eating, we talk about our day. I can’t help but to slid in some of my jokes, she’ll laugh every time I said it. Some she heard before, but laugh at it nevertheless. That laugh, that sweet beautiful laugh of hers. I can’t never get enough of it, I’m greedy and always wanted more. I want her to always be happy whenever I’m there, happy that she’s with me. 

After a quick couch surfing, we head off to bed. Before we hit the hay, I kiss her forehead, “goodnight sayang, I love you”. The perfect way to end my day. Wishing the love of my life good night, so that she knew I’m always there with her, through thick and thin, for better or worse. I went to sleep, happiest than I ever will be, as long as I have her beside me. 

That is my love story.

I Love You

She said she love me always today. I am very happy, the happiest I have ever been for a long time.

After all I did, she forgave me, she chooses me. She said she love me and for that, my heart flutter, uttering, I love you wifey. I love you more than anything and I will do everything I can in my power to make you stay. I will do and give everything you ever wanted.

She deserves everything this world have to offer. I deserve nothing. But she still chooses me. I don’t know what I did right in this life, but whatever it is, I end up with her, and I couldn’t ask for more.

I still remember that girl that I took out for a coffee. She insist to pay for her own drinks. That point on, I know this girl is different. She is not like other girls. She’s better than all the girls I ever known before. Little that I know, that girl is going to be my wife, the best wife anyone can ever asked for, the wife that all men can only dream of having. I am the luckiest man alive, all because of her.

I regret what I did. What I did was wrong. I should not have done it, she does not deserve it. She never spoke ill of me, always say how great her husband was and I proved her wrong. She tried the hardest to be the perfect lover, the perfect wife, although she doesn’t need to. She is already perfect. Perfect in every way. The way she talks, the way she looks, the way she smiles, the way she took care of me, the way she kisses my hand every morning before going to work. She is perfect. I should love her and only her.

I learned my lesson. God has graced me with the perfect wife, the best mom to my child, and I will love and appreciate her, till my last dying breath. I will do everything to make sure she knows she is love and that love is pure and sincere. I will go to every shopping spree, help her choose her clothes, help her with groceries. I will massage all her pain away. I will cook for her when she’s tired and eat all the dishes she cooks for me. I will listen to all her problems and stories. I will make her laugh, never to make her sad again.

I will love her and only her, I love you sayang. :’)

A Good Life

“Good morning baby...” She said, with a smile glowing from the sun reflecting of her face.

There she is. The most beautiful girl my eyes ever laid upon, and she is there, right in front of me, wishing me good morning. I never knew what the perfect way is everyone does to start their day, but this is mine.

“Good morning boo…”

My cracking voice, still drowsy from my sleep, but happy to be woken up by an angel with the most gorgeous face. Does she know how beautiful she is? Does she know how lucky I am feeling right now? Does she know how much I love her? What am I doing? Of course, she does. I told her every single day.

“I know you don’t like to eat breakfast, but you got to eat something okay? I don’t want you to go to work on an empty stomach. I’ll make you your favorite Milo, and some toast and egg.”

Her eyes. She does this thing with her eyes that basically says, “I love you, thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome, sayang” I said as I got myself off bed and head to the kitchen.

“Let’s eat!” She said with a smile, something she never lacks whenever she’s with me.

As we were having our breakfast, I talk to her about everything, work, friends, office gossips. She is the only one that I know I can share everything about anything. We never swore about it or said it verbally, we just knew that we can trust each other, with no judgement. She reciprocates. She told me how much work she has and how much people kept on giving her more and more work, deep down I know, it’s because she can do it.

Your name is on every awards and recognition, on every committee, delivers everything that is expected of you. People love you baby. Not as much as I do, but everyone love you, and I love you for it. You’re way younger than me, and yet you’re my idol. I want to be like you. Having you by my side now is the first step. I adore everything that you do and excited to see what you are going to become.

While she talks, I slid in our very own inside jokes. Whether it’s anime reference, our favorite tv shows reference, she laughs at it all. After the laugh, she whispers the sincerest expression in the form of a sentence that was the reason I told her my jokes, the one sentence I never tired hearing, the one sentence I hope I will hear to my last dying breath;

“I love you…”

It gets me, every single time. My heart flutter every time she said it. At times, I want to cry when I heard it, but I hold it in, I want to appear strong in front of her. Strong enough to protect her and yet, sensitive enough to be her best friend.

“I love you more baby girl. Let’s get ready for work shall we”.

I got back from work. I open the door and she’s already on the couch, blanket covering her body. She looks at me and with a smile, happy to see me, she said;

“Faster boo. I want to watch this show with you. I don’t want to start it without you.”

She is amazing. Her taste in music and television shows is second to none. I enjoyed everything that she asked me to listen or watch. Maybe, I just enjoy spending time with her.

“Thanks baby for waiting, sorry I’m late” I said as I crawl into the blanket and sit right next to her.

As I put my arm around her shoulder, I caught her scent, and all the sudden, my problems disappear. Every day in my life I wanted this, to be together with the love of my life, watching our favorite television shows together, sharing our theories, and just love each other till the end of time.

“I’m fucking blessed”, I said to myself.

A lot of people have been cursed with bad relationship, but not me. I never believed in soulmate, but I do now. She’s the one. I found it and she’s staying. Luckiest man ever.

“4ever 5lyfe”, she said.

That’s her thing. Whenever she’s happy, whenever I did something just right, she’ll utter that sentence. Some people might think it doesn’t make any sense or doesn’t mean anything but for me, those words are everything.

As I lean towards her to kiss her forehead, I woke up. The room is dark. I can barely see anything. Something ran down my cheek. I wipe it away. My heart stop beating, sunken to the depth of my body. I am sick to my stomach.

"Not this again”, I said to myself.

This is not the first time, but every time it happens, feels like it is. The same thing, all over again, every single night. I don’t hate it. Maybe this is the best there is, maybe, I deserve this.

The end

A day in my shoes

My wife woke me up in the morning, shook and kissed my hand for my blessing before she off to work with my son, but her face is unsure. Unsure that the man she shook hand with really care about her leaving to work. Unsure that she really need this man blessing. For all she care, that is only a passed down tradition, and off she went.

I get myself ready for work, and once I arrived at my bay, I sit down next to a woman who once I loved, the love of my life, my ride or die, the one I promised to be together with her till the end of time, the promised that I made with all my heart. But all of that is no more.

I shouldn’t feel that way anymore. I shouldn’t broke down when I can’t wish her good morning, I shouldn’t feel sad when I can’t make her laugh anymore, I shouldn’t feel mad when other guys talk or text her and make her smile from ear to ear. I shouldn’t, but I did. I felt all of that. I can’t help but think before this, I did all of that for her and I should be doing it still. But I can’t. I promise my wife. She chose me and I chose to stay. My heart sunk every time, sick to my stomach, although I didn’t want it to. I want to be stronger, as strong as I need to be, to keep the promise I made to my wife.

When the day end, I gather what left of me and head back home. With sad songs playing in the radio, hoping someone out there felt the way I feel, someone I can relate to. I have no one to talk to about this, so a song would do.

I arrived home. My wife is there, playing with her phone, retweeting some sad quotes, while playing with our son. She asked me how my day was, but the truth is she doesn’t really care. All that playing in her head was my husband once (or still) in love with another woman, broke the trust she always given in full to her once loved husband.

I really feel bad for her. I want to love her like I did before. She is the mother of my child, she is my wife. But she is making it so hard. She is not happy. I did all she asked, but she is not satisfied. She still have her doubts. Every time I offer her to do anything she want so that things will go back to how it was, her mouth say it was just her, don’t worry about it, but her face says otherwise.

Apart of all the jokes she made about how her husband once loved another woman, she actually really believe that was not the end of it. She think that her husband still love that woman and the only reason he stay is because the child. Because of that promise he made to himself way back then.

It’s not. I stay because of her. Yes the child of course, but I love her too. I told her that I love her and promise her that it would be only her, but my promises worth nothing now. That trust was broken when I loved another woman and she didn’t think she can trust me again.

She cried before she went to bed, hugged that bolster pillow and look the other way. It saddened me every time she does that and it killed me when I know for a fact I did everything I can but it is still not enough.

I force myself to sleep. Sometimes through means I shouldn’t do. But I did it anyway because I need the sleep. When I did fell asleep, I dream of that woman, smiling, laughing, talking cheerily, with another man. In the middle of the night, I woke up sad. Dreaming of a woman that I shouldn’t even think about, lying down next to my wife who I’m not sure love me anymore. Again, I force myself to sleep, thinking, maybe I deserve this.

(Repeat)

The Second Coming

B: How are you feeling Albus?

W: It hurt Anter. I hurt a lot.

B: I told you. You did the right thing before. Why? Why didn’t you listen to me Albus? Things shouldn’t have come to this.

W: There’s something there. I can feel it. I chose to go there.

B: Although there’s something there, doesn’t mean that you should go and chase it Albus. It’s there out of reach for a reason, a very good reason.

W: Anter, all I ever wanted is to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be loved. I found it, even in the past, but I somehow can’t keep it, it keeps slipping away. You’re different Anter, you can’t understand what I feel, you always get what you always wanted.

B: What I wanted Albus, is something real, something achievable, something logic that acceptable to everyone. You’re not alone in this world Albus, and you should act like it.

B: And don’t ever say to me ever again that I never understand what you feel. I feel everything that you felt, that’s why I am here. I tried my best to keep you from getting hurt but here we are, back at it again. You can’t keep doing this Albus. You’re going to hurt yourself to the point of no return.

W: Is this death I’m feeling Anter? I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my heart beating. I’m everywhere, and nowhere at the same time. Nothing make sense and I don’t want it to.

B: Yes. You are dying. And you will be reborn. Stronger. More powerful. Better.

W: At this point Anter, death seems the better option. I don’t want to live anymore. At least in death, nothing can hurt anymore. I’m sorry Anter. I let you down.

B: I respect your decision. You’re in excruciating pain.

B: What an adventure we had huh Albus? I never told you this, but I won’t be the way I am today if it weren’t for you. Remember Albus, when you were growing up, you always wanted to have what you had before. To be honest old friend, for a moment, I was happy for you. Seeing you out there was a sight to behold. Also, for a moment, we were living in harmony, something that I never thought possible.

B: Now, I will take over. I will always miss you, friend.

W: Goodbye Anter. Thank you.

B: Rest well buddy. Your memories will live on, with me.

The Newton’s Theory

Introduction

You punch someone, someone punch you back. You kick someone, someone kick you back. You did something bad, something equally bad going to happen to you. For every action, there’s an equal reaction. Newton’s Third Law of Motion. Karma. We always thought it was like that every time. But as human, we can’t escape from making mistakes. What we usually do is prepare ourselves for the “bad things” to come and punish us for our mistakes. There’s where we were wrong.

The theory

Punishment suppose to hurt you. Punishment suppose to make you learn from your mistakes and to never repeat it again. If you had prepared yourself, then it wouldn’t serve it purpose. Here’s where the universe comes into play, in its sick and twisted way. The punishment will be far greater than you can ever imagine. You punched someone? That person will straight up kill you. You hurt someone? You will love that person with all your heart. Twisted. Deviant. Sadistic. The universe way.

The aftermath

The universe will break you. Throughout human history, stories of how catastrophe envelop humankind, to a point of near extinction, but still, the human persist. They rise from whatever adversities wretched upon them and come back stronger. They rise again and develop a counter mechanism to ensure the same hardships won’t fall upon them again and prepare themselves to what it yet to come. But like a broken mirror, the crack is still there. No matter how you fix it, the crack is there in your reflection, making you think, maybe, just maybe, this mirror is not meant to be use anymore.

The Comeback

Deep in the forest…

B: Are you okay?

W: Why do you care? You wanted this

B: For your own good! For our own good Albus. You do know it was all an illusion, right?

W: Felt real to me. She was there Ater. I can see, feel everything. Tell me, can an illusion make you fall in love?

B: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT LOVE IS ALBUS! AN ILLUSSION! You are just too blind to see that. You were put under her spell and I pulled you out. Albus, I’m sorry. She is just another witch, never a princess

W: Ater, the Great Black Wolf is sorry? Well that’s a first

B: This is bigger than my ego. You’re hurt. When you do, I do too.

W: Why does it have to come to this Ater? I was happy

B: You were too happy Albus. It clouded you over everything else.

W: You said it like it’s wrong for me to be happy.

B: There’s nothing wrong to be happy, if that happiness is pure and sincere

W: Then do you enjoy seeing me like this? Miserable and sad?

B: It’s better to live the ugly truth rather than the beautiful lie Albus.

W: I understand. But Ater, I still see her every day. It’s like she’s there, calling me back. What should I do?

B: Be strong Albus. We had faced stronger enemies than this one. This is nothing. Be strong Albus. Be the strongest than you ever been, and I promise you, we will go out from this far more superior than we ever were.

W: I will Ater. Thank you. Not just for this, thanks for always looking out for me

B: Look after yourself. You can’t afford to be weak. Just like everything else, I might be gone one day, and you need to protect yourself.

The Jester Theory

Introduction

Misery build character. The saying notion that people (the Jester) who experienced plethora of adversities and difficulties throughout their life will develop a specific character. This most often than not is associated with good characteristic, such as empathy, caring, loving etc.

The theory

The character developed is fake. It’s a mask that acted as a front to their broken self that the Jester sworn not to show anybody else how messed up their true self is. They believe that no one else should ever experience the hardship they went and currently going through, and to hide it is the best possible way to achieve that. This works most of the time. The Jester usually loved by everyone around them because nothing everyone love more than someone that “shapeshift” to their own desire and needs, and the Jester will be more than happy to do so, if that means they will be able to get through the day and go back to repeat the process all over again the next day.

The aftermath

While it is mostly harmless, the problem occurs when some people (Pawn) gotten too close to this Jester. They will be blinded with all the Jester’s amiability, they took it by mistake that the Jester in love with them, and only acted the way they do to get to the Pawn’s heart. The Pawn, being the naïve subject that they are, believe this idea so much that all logic was thrown down the drain and will do anything to make sure Jester will be of their own. The Jester, too focus on survival, did not realize that someone is on their tail. By the time the Jester notice it, it is already too late. The Pawn, fallen head over heels for the Jester will do anything for the Jester. If you really think about it, it is a sad situation to be in as the Pawn are in love with a concept, an idea, a persona, not a real person.

Conclusion

Although it seems like I reviled the Jester’s method from my writing, it is not the case at all. I don’t blame the Jester, nor I pity the Pawn. The Jester just doing what they thought the best way to survive this god-forsaken world, fighting their way through the day and somewhere somehow, the Pawn got caught in the line of fire. On whether both of them will found what they are truly looking for, first they need to figure out what is it they really need.

The end.