The Life Someone Else's

Fake. A word that I need to get use to of late. The word got thrown around me so much that I can no longer hate it, I embrace it. It is a strong word, not to just me, but to everyone I think, to get accused of being something that they’re not. We all hate it, although we did it without realizing it. So, I dig down and for me to learn to accept it, I try and see everything that I did, to realize it, to not hate it.

They were right. I did fake it. I fake everything. I hate it at first. To end the day knowing that you were something you are not, trying to be someone else, it’s a burden. It’s heavy. I can’t stop thinking what kind of person I am and what I’m going to become. Is it something good? Or is it something evil, only time will tell. I don’t know. For now, someone’s quote I held close in my heart, “Fake it until you make it”. Whether I’m going to make it, I’m unsure, but I think that person made it and that’s why I’m going to continue to fake it.

Why did I do it? Is it because I want to be someone I’m not? Is it because I want to make someone to love me? Is it because I want someone to hate me? Is it because I want to move on? Is it because all of the above, it’s just something I always am, and faking my way in or out is the only way I know how. Whatever it is, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what everyone wanted, and I happily deliver so that I can go on with my day in this abhorrent world.

“Just be your yourself”, someone once said to me. I did, and I end up hurting everyone. I should know better, I grew up as a disappointment because I tried to be myself back then. I should know that being myself is never the right thing to do and that side of me should never surface. Yes, I was happy but at what cost, pain and suffering to everyone around me.

A lot of grief that day, myself included. I regret it so much. I almost lost everything. If I really think of it, I don’t deserve to have it at the first place, a life build on lies. But I won’t stop. I’m in too deep to go back now, so the lies live on.

I envy people who is just themselves. I don’t know how they do it, but god damn they are happier than I ever would be. I’m not happy now. I’m not okay. But I’ll will fake it nonetheless. I will do it because I promise myself, not to hurt anyone who love me. Although they said they love me for who I am, who I am is never the person I am in their presence. It’s a shadow I cast to cover them from the burning light of my true self.

To whoever reading this, if you know me, know that I may not be the person that you always thought I am. I’m sorry. The part of me that I’m happy with is disgusting, repugnant to see. I choose to keep it in and never comes out. Thank you for reading. May the life you chose to live is the live you always wanted for yourself.