Life of a Poltroon

“You’re a coward!”

She never said anything harsh to me. That was the first one she ever said. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt because it’s true. I am a coward. I spend all my life running.

I think I was just 8 or 9 years old that time. I suddenly feel the urge to annoy my sister, so while she was lying down, I pulled down the pillow under her head, causing her head to smack down on the concrete floor. She burst out crying. Loudest she ever cried before. I was scared. It was supposed to be a harmless prank. I panicked. I supposed to own it. Go to my mom and just admit I did it, it was wrong and accept my punishment. But I didn’t. I am a coward. I ran and hid under the dinner table. For the whole day. Everyone went out looking. But I am coward. I just stay there hoping this will all blew away.

I was 19 years old. Going to an all-boys school, I never had a any luck with a girl, not until uni. It was during my diploma, I met the perfect girl, tall, pretty, and have the most beautiful smile. We dated. I was very happy. But I’m not sure if she was. Throughout the relationship, I always doubted myself, that I am not good enough for her. But I never told her that. I faked my way throughout the relationship, because I am scared. I’m scared if I told her, I lost her. True enough, she left me. She said she can’t see any future with me, that I am never myself around her. She’s tired of it, she’s tired of everything, and she want out. As the coward I always am, I concur. She left. It broke me.

In 2015, I started working at one of the most prestigious company that anyone could ever work at. Along with the job, I met a group of very great group of friends. But good things don’t mean to last. Company had a mass reorganization and my good friends were all transfer out. I was alone. There’s a void inside of me. I’m scared, again. I should open myself more, meet new friends, and be close to at least one, to make working there bearable again. I didn’t. I run away. I quit working at a company everyone can only dream of working and regretted it every single day.

Fast forward to present day. Whenever you’re having a relationship problem, the best person you should talk to is the person you’re having the relationship with, not with another person, another gender at that. You will fall into a trap that wasn’t supposed to be there if you just man up and talk to your partner. It happened to me. It happened because you guessed it, I’m scared. I’m supposed to talk to my wife about whatever been bothering me. But instead, I talk to another person, a girl. I’m scared that if I talk to my wife, she couldn’t take it, she wouldn’t understand, she’ll get mad. Guess what happen now? She can’t take it, she didn’t understand, and she is mad as hell. I love another person, the person I shared my problem with. A mistake that could’ve been avoided if I just be brave.

Now, I’m living with someone who I am not sure love me, and the person I thought I love I must leave behind, as the terms said. I didn’t need to quit work. I can just talk to my wife, convince her I’m a change man. I won’t repeat my mistake, love her and only her. But I didn’t do that. I use her as an excuse. The real reason I quit is simple, because of me as usual, I want to run away. I want to run away so that maybe I can move on from all this. I don’t want to see her anymore. The sight of her make me sick, make me remember the “fake love” we thought we shared together. We did something we shouldn’t, and I don’t need the daily reminder that I did that once before. I hope I can move on, it’s hard. To add to that, my wife is unsettled. Something bothering her and I’m scared to ask her what’s wrong.

That’s just me, a coward.