A day in my shoes

My wife woke me up in the morning, shook and kissed my hand for my blessing before she off to work with my son, but her face is unsure. Unsure that the man she shook hand with really care about her leaving to work. Unsure that she really need this man blessing. For all she care, that is only a passed down tradition, and off she went.

I get myself ready for work, and once I arrived at my bay, I sit down next to a woman who once I loved, the love of my life, my ride or die, the one I promised to be together with her till the end of time, the promised that I made with all my heart. But all of that is no more.

I shouldn’t feel that way anymore. I shouldn’t broke down when I can’t wish her good morning, I shouldn’t feel sad when I can’t make her laugh anymore, I shouldn’t feel mad when other guys talk or text her and make her smile from ear to ear. I shouldn’t, but I did. I felt all of that. I can’t help but think before this, I did all of that for her and I should be doing it still. But I can’t. I promise my wife. She chose me and I chose to stay. My heart sunk every time, sick to my stomach, although I didn’t want it to. I want to be stronger, as strong as I need to be, to keep the promise I made to my wife.

When the day end, I gather what left of me and head back home. With sad songs playing in the radio, hoping someone out there felt the way I feel, someone I can relate to. I have no one to talk to about this, so a song would do.

I arrived home. My wife is there, playing with her phone, retweeting some sad quotes, while playing with our son. She asked me how my day was, but the truth is she doesn’t really care. All that playing in her head was my husband once (or still) in love with another woman, broke the trust she always given in full to her once loved husband.

I really feel bad for her. I want to love her like I did before. She is the mother of my child, she is my wife. But she is making it so hard. She is not happy. I did all she asked, but she is not satisfied. She still have her doubts. Every time I offer her to do anything she want so that things will go back to how it was, her mouth say it was just her, don’t worry about it, but her face says otherwise.

Apart of all the jokes she made about how her husband once loved another woman, she actually really believe that was not the end of it. She think that her husband still love that woman and the only reason he stay is because the child. Because of that promise he made to himself way back then.

It’s not. I stay because of her. Yes the child of course, but I love her too. I told her that I love her and promise her that it would be only her, but my promises worth nothing now. That trust was broken when I loved another woman and she didn’t think she can trust me again.

She cried before she went to bed, hugged that bolster pillow and look the other way. It saddened me every time she does that and it killed me when I know for a fact I did everything I can but it is still not enough.

I force myself to sleep. Sometimes through means I shouldn’t do. But I did it anyway because I need the sleep. When I did fell asleep, I dream of that woman, smiling, laughing, talking cheerily, with another man. In the middle of the night, I woke up sad. Dreaming of a woman that I shouldn’t even think about, lying down next to my wife who I’m not sure love me anymore. Again, I force myself to sleep, thinking, maybe I deserve this.

(Repeat)